It’s Not So Erotic ...

I work with many couples whose relationship is suffering from a lack of erotic attraction. Usually, they started out strongly attracted to each other, but find that attraction has decreased over time. Sometimes their circumstances were more difficult, and the attraction was never there in the first place.

Couples in this situation commonly turn to books, blogs or advice columns. They search for a sexual activity, game or anything else that might rekindle or replace that fire. I generally support this approach. It’s a constructive and comfortably anonymous, private step to revitalize sexual interactions that have fallen into routine, or stopped altogether. Couples in long-term, established relationships often need a way to break their routine, some form of ‘permission’ to interact with each other in new ways.

Very often problems with erotic attraction are actually communication problems. Couples cannot communicate to each other what they want or enjoy, because they too uncomfortable, sometimes ashamed or fearful, to talk explicitly about their sensations and preferences. This lack of intimacy is often a manifestation of deeper problems of interpersonal anxiety in one or both members of the couple. Many other sources explore each of these issues insightfully and in depth, and I encourage you to investigate them for yourself.

I have a different and solid piece of advice of my own. It’s one that I often give couples in these situations, that they’ve told me is unique and helpful. That advice is: Healthy adults want to have sex with other adults.

This means that when couples interact with each other mutually, with equal power and responsibility, their relationship is healthy. But when one partner takes on most or all responsibility in the relationship, and the other has little or none, they become more like ‘parent’ and ‘child’ than partners. When relationships lose their fire and erotic charge, this negative dynamic is often the core of the problem. It has a completely deadening effect on erotic desire; there is nothing sexy about making love to one’s parent or child. I am not talking here about sex games or role-playing that both partners have agreed to – that’s more often a solution in these situations. The problem here is bad relational dynamics; instead of two healthy adults relating to and respecting each other, their obligations and responsibilities have slipped out of balance.

Seeing a significant other as a helpless child or an overbearing adult is not the least bit erotic. Regardless of who plays which role, or even if they occasionally switch back and forth, that kind of dynamic is far more likely to breed resentment and rejection than romance. The solution to this problem is to rearrange the relationship role dynamic. Specifically, this means making sure that each partner’s wishes and opinions are respected equally. This doesn’t mean that no one can ask for anything, only that both agree that it’s okay to ask. It doesn’t mean that no one can say ‘yes’ or ‘no,’ but that both can. How to rekindle the spark? Share the matches!

Written by Dr. Francesca Giordano Ph.D., LCPC